It hits you so much harder than you ever thoughtI finally have some downtime to write (waiting for my ride to go out actually, so I thought might as well). You know, I cannot wait to go back to school. Where there would be something more to concentrate on rather than emotional crap. Oh and where I would actually be doing something more productive. Thus far, I've had only two constructive weeks out of six. I suppose I have none to blame but myself for that. Who doesn't love chilling out with kids you love and don't get to see but only once a year every other day? I have to admit that timing has not been on our side loveys what with camps, trips abroad and lecture schedules. Not to mention other friends we have to kow-tow to. Alia, I'm feeling you hon. But trust me, we'll all be there for each other no matter what. You'll see, we all will come back to each other at the end of the day. I'm still waiting for that group picture though.You know, it's funny how the person I've always felt so secure talking to, from our very first over-the-phone conversation (which happens to be five hours in length), is now the person I feel most insecure about telling things. I babble instead. I really do feel miserable every minute spent in the past one month. I look back at pictures, see all the sad smiles and am reminded of how I saw this coming. I remember how Alex fell in love, and still is a year on. And I laughed. I'm trying to figure out how I got myself here. I used to be the most protected person there is. I never let anybody in. But of course, the first person I gave entry to had to be the person I knew would leave from the get-go. Sad, innit? You'd think I'd be smarter than that. Suffice to say, I played my part, oh believe me I did. I pushed it first, thinking that it would be the way to save myself, you know, easier to run and all that. That's always been me, I regret to say. Although now, I've told just about everything and I'm glad for the civility. It's just not so easy for me to forget. You know that and you know why.I look at you, thinking about how I feel, and then I look away, thinking about how you don't.
( a l y a a ) @ Wednesday, August 16, 2006 / 7:37 am /